A Likely Lass

probably nothing of consequence

Archive for the tag “life”

No love handles, no love

I was at the grocery store the other day, getting the weekly groceries. I was standing in line behind three guys who looked like they were in their early twenties. I was paging through a magazine, not really paying any attention, when I noticed one of the guys wearing a “No Fat Chicks” shirt. I think I kind of frowned, but had turned back to the magazine when I heard him say something.

“Excuse me?” I said.

“You know you want it,” he said, apparently incredibly full of himself, stroking his chest and grinning at me.

I feel though I may have raised an eyebrow, but I’m not sure. I did say, calmly, “I’d rather light my face on fire.”

Apparently his friends found this funny. So funny the guy ended up walking out of the store, pretending he had to make a phone call to his girlfriend.

I understand that a lot of people buy into the whole perfectly-thin thing, six-pack, can’t-eat-any-carbs, must-be-super-fit mentality. It’s an aesthetic. But it’s not the only aesthetic.

Frankly, I think I should get a shirt that says “No Skinny Guys.” Despite it being tacky, I don’t see why I shouldn’t proclaim my preference where everyone can see (well, I do know, and it’s that thing called¬†tact, but who cares about that anymore?). Maybe “No Love Handles, No Love.” I come by that preference honestly, too – I like some fluff. I don’t care what Kevin Smith looks like in a bathrobe, I could just eat him with a spoon. Adam Richman on Man Vs. Food? Yum. I tell you, there are just not enough slightly-fluffy-yet-masculine men on television. They all eventually go the way of curvy actresses: super-exercise, the excuse of “the perpetual flu”, then it’s Trimspa and a downward spiral from there until you end up unrecognizable, with multiple plastic surgeries and having your own “reality show” that gets cancelled after two episodes air.

As my Hungarian grandmother said, “If you have a bit of fluff, all it says is that you enjoy your steak with dessert.” And if you knew what kind of dessert my Hungarian grandmother could make, you’d eat it too.

On being in a relationship…

If you’re in a relationship, sometimes you probably feel like you’re fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don’t have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos.
-Allie Brosh, Hyperboleandahalf.

I’M HANGING UP NOW

Last afternoon, ’round lunchtime:

Phone *rings*
Me: *picks up phone, doesn’t recognize the number, answers anyway* Hello?
Annoying Nasal-Voiced Telemarketer: HI IS THIS [MY NAME]???
Me: *holding phone slightly away from ear* Yes?
ANVT: HI HI HI! I AM CALLING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS AWESOME PROGRAM THAT ALLSTATE HAS-
Me: *interrupting* Can you guys quit calling me while I’m at work? I’ve requested this like 5 times already.
ANVT: THAT IS SUPER AWESOME AND THAT YOU ARE ELIGIBLE FOR AND-
Me: Sorry, I’m not interested.
ANVT: WHY AREN’T YOU INTERESTED.
Me: I’m just not. Can you take my number off of your calling list?
ANVT: BUT I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
Me: And that one lady that keeps calling my house to offer me Viagra is only trying to help with my sex life. Please. I’m really not interested, I’m sorry to waste your time.
ANVT: BUT THIS IS AN AWESOME PROGRAM.
Me: Okay. Can you please remove me from your calling list?
ANVT: OMG. I AM TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU AND NOW YOU ARE BEING MEAN TO ME.
Me: I am not trying to be mean to you, but you guys have called me a bunch of times already. I’m not interested.
ANVT: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE MEAN TO ME, THERE’S NO CALL TO BE ACTING LIKE THIS!!!
Me: Er… what?
ANVT: DO I HAVE TO GET MY SUPERVISOR ON THE LINE? THIS IS UNCALLED FOR.
Me: Just… um… remove me from your calling list. Please.
ANVT: ALL RIGHT MA’AM, I’M HANGING UP NOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CURSE AT ME.
Me: I’m … okay, yes, I’d like to talk to your supervisor.
ANVT: I’M SORRY, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HANG UP NOW.
Me: Um… okay.
ANVT: MA’AM, I’M HANGING UP. WE’LL CALL YOU BACK LATER.
Me: …
ANVT: HELLO?
Me: *click*

I was half tempted to start crying and carrying on while saying “YES, GOD YES I’M SO SORRY, I *AM* INTERESTED IN YOUR PROGRAM, IT MUST BE WONDERFUL, OH ANGEL OF THE TELEPHONE, OH NASAL VOICE OF MY HEART, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME MORE! I HAVE SINNED IN IGNORING YOUR CALLS!” but I was at work. And no one appreciates spontaneous crying unless someone’s gotten a limb lopped off by the copier or something.

Bubba the Soda

I was leafing through the ads this morning while I’m waiting for my clothes to dry, and there’s a popular shopping chain here called Save-A-Lot. Flipping over the back of the ad, they have 2 liters of knock-off soda listed for .59, and I think never in my history of existance have I seen soda names that are so indicative of the local population. Among a couple of other choices, you have “Mountain Holla”, “Bubba”, and “Dr. Pop.” “Mountain Holla” helpfully has a bright red sun depicted on it, “hollaring”.

Yes, hello, American South. I missed you.

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