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Cooking with alcohol – Southern Comfort Caramel Apple Crisp

southern comfort apple crisp

Baking has never been my Favorite Thing Ever. I like to cook well enough, but tend to like recipes that take some degree of technical intensity (and that take forever to make and use every dish I own). 

I make an exception, though, for cooking with any type of alcohol.

For instance, Boeuf Bourguinon soup… it takes forever, but tastes divine. It also includes alcohol. Tiramisu? Delicious, and includes alcohol. Beer can chicken… rum cake… dark beer chili… I could go on, but I think you get the point.

And what do you know – Sunday afternoon, I found myself in possession of six apples and a half a (small) bottle of Southern Comfort. I thought about making a simple apple crisp, but really, what isn’t better with alcohol? And I didn’t want a simple, comforting apple crisp. I wanted a crisp that makes you feel like you’re living on the edge. An apple crisp that makes you feel like you’re dating James Dean and George Clooney and neither of them know about each other.

Without further ado, I introduce: Southern Comfort Caramel Apple Crisp. 

This recipe is adapted slightly from a Pastry Queen recipe, Chef Mark’s Southern Comfort Apple Pie. 

Filling ingredients:

  • 5-6 apples (tart ones are good, but you can use what you have on hand)
  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter
  • 3 tbsp cinnamon (Vietnamese cinnamon if you have it, but use what you have)
  • 2 tbsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 1/2 cup Southern Comfort liquor
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 tbsp flour
  • 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

Heat the oven to 350 degrees.

Peel, core, and cut up your apples, you want them roughly cubed. Melt the butter in a skillet heated to medium-high until foamy. Add the apples. Let them brown up a couple of minutes, then add your spices. When the apples are slightly soft (about 5 minutes), remove and place in a baking dish. Add the Southern Comfort to the liquid left in the pan, and simmer until alcohol is mostly burned off, about five minutes. Add the cream slowly while stirring, and let it simmer another 5-10 minutes, until slightly thicker. Remove from heat, add flour and stir until thickened. Pour over the apples in the dish.

Crust:

  • 1 cup quick cooking oats
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup brown sugar, packed
  • 1 tbsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 1/4 tsp baking soda
  • 1/4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 cup butter, melted.

Mix all the dry ingredients in a bowl, then add the melted butter and combine well. It will be a somewhat dry mix. Sprinkle over the apple mixture in your dish until completely covered.

Bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Remove from oven and let cool 10-15 minutes, then serve with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream. Wait for people to become faint with pleasure, then apply smelling salts so they may eat more apple crisp.

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Breaking Dawn/

Very late Saturday night, I am going to go see “Breaking Dawn” part one.

Would that we all could not have any pores at all

I kno, rite? This is my actual reason for going:

Burke-o-licious

Therefore:

Nerd alert!

will be worn. Not to be confused this this much less attractive Charlie:

Good god... eat a sandwich and quit the tiger blood.

Palate cleanser!

And then, there was pie

For Thanksgiving, I set out to make this pie.

It was, I figured, absolutely Southern, and Virginia being my adopted home, I can always use a little more Southern. Even the name hollered iced tea and wrap-around porches and the kind of thing that inspires a hush so absolute you can hear the crickets 15 miles away. Ok, no, it doesn’t really say that, but what it does say is Southern Comfort Caramel Apple Pie. It says honey, put your girdle on because I am bustin’ out.

Obviously, it being about a week AFTER Thanksgiving, I didn’t make it (though not for want of effort), but now I wish I had.

This pie is like the pie of dreams. If Betty White and Chuck Norris had a baby, it would be this pie. This pie will smack you around and still make you want to cuddle after. One look at this pie and your grandmother would faint. Seriously, it’s some good pie.

My husband, who notably is no great fan of apple pie, said “This is not pie, this is crack.” And there I will let it stand. Have some photos:

Southern Comfort Caramel Apple Pie

Pie

Yes, I know. Only two photos? I know, it’s not the most photogenic pie ever, but it’s my first, and it took me two hours to make and by GOD I was starving for a piece of this pie by then and you know? In that instance, photos come second. But you’ll have to trust me that one piece of this pie will make you beg the Holy Father’s forgiveness because that is some DAMN good pie.

Fox News

Everyone knows that if you watch Fox News, you’re crazy and probably are predicting the end of the world to happen in about fifteen minutes, so it never surprises me to see news like this (for the clickphobic, a study found that Fox News viewers know less about news than people who don’t even watch the news).

Let’s digest that for a moment. That’s some serious stuff.

So just reading the headline and the first paragraph and drawing my conclusions from that, this is what happened:

Interviewer (to a normal person who doesn’t watch any news): So, do you watch any news?

Normal person who doesn’t watch any news No. 1 (NPWDWANN1): No, I like, really am in to Guitar Hero right now? So like, I do that?

Interviewer: Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?

NPWDWAN: Um… isn’t that a sauce that goes in Japanese food?

 

Interviewer (to a Fox News viewer): So, do you watch any news?

Fox News Viewer No. 1 (FNVN1): Of course I do. I watch at least ten hours a day, on the Fox Channel. If I watch less than nine hours, I get a little palsy, you know, trembly.

Interviewer: That’s a lot of news.

FNVN1: And I already know we’re all going to hell and Obama is going to rise to shroud the earth with his batskin cape. Because he has one. Why do you think they reopened Area 51? TO HIDE IT. Glenn Beck told me that. Good man, is Glenn Beck.

Interviewer: Ok…. (making notes) Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?

FNVN1: Obama’s Chief of Staff. Evil bugger.

Interviewer: Well…. no.  Do you know what happened in Egypt this past spring?

FNVN1: Didn’t they discover Moses’s ark? I heard they may have found it. The lamestream media, you see, is keeping it quiet. They don’t want us to know about any ark. If ‘we’ had it, we might melt the skin from their bones, right, like in that movie.

Interviewer: So you weren’t aware of any uprising, or perhaps a revolution, occuring?

FNVN1: SHIT CHRIST. Did I miss it? Have they started already? Goddamnit son, get out of my way, I need to get my guns!

 

Interviewer (to Normal Interview Subject No. 2): Do you ever surf the internet for news?

Normal Interview Subject No. 2: I’m afraid of news.

Interviewer: Er… ok. Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?

NISN2: No, and I don’t want to know. It sounds scary.

Interviewer: Well, he is-

NISN2: NO! LALALALALALALALA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALA!

Interviewer: But-

NISN2: NO NEWS FOR ME! LALALA! LAAAAAH! MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB…

 

Fox News Viewer No 2: I got this hat at the grocery store, isn’t it lovely? I love all these little jewels set around the edge, you see those? I know they’re probably fake but I pretend they’re real. My sisters are SO jealous.

Interviewer: Ma’am… that’s a fruitcake.

FNVN2: My sisters said that too!

Interviewer: Moving on… have you heard about any uprising or revolt in the Middle East?

FNVN2: You mean like Australia? You know, I always did think they were a heathen country, all those big rocks with those handprints on them, Anne Coulter says they’re just a backwards people, maybe it comes from being on the other side of the world, and then those weird bwongo sounds you hear in the commercials-

Interviewer: No, I mean the Middle-

FNVN2: BWWWWWWWWWONGWONGOOOOOOOO! Sounds like that, right? BWWWONGOWONGOWONGOOOOOO-

 

Interviewer (to non-news watching person): Do you ever watch your television?

Normal person who doesn’t watch any news: I watch Wheel of Fortune. Every night.

Interviewer: Do you ever watch any news?

NPWDWAN: No.

Interviewer: Not even when they have the special report come on in the middle of a broadcast?

NPWDWAN: Are you kidding me? That’s just Pat having his little fun with the audience. We all KNOW we don’t have anything like national crisiseses any more. Have we merged with China yet?

Interviewer: …Sorry?

NPWDWAN: I figure it’s inevitable we create a glorious future with our technological rival and eventually start a space program that will launch humans into other solar systems and create a central government that will outwardly protect us while preying on those with special talents and persecuting anyone that steals from good people, thus creating the need for space bandits that will roam the new solar system and eventually bring the downfall of the now-cruel-and-evil Empire?

Interviewer: Isn’t that the plot to Firefly?

NPWDWAN: What?

 

Interviewer: Sir, do to know who Hosni Mubarak is?

Fox News Viewer No. 3: Fruit cup.

Interviewer: Sorry?

FNVN3: Fruit cup. I like them with grapes.

Interviewer: Are you saying he IS a fruit cup or-

FNVN3: Who?

Interviewer: Hosni Mubarak.

FNVN3: Probably. Probably he is. Do you know I have thirty years’ worth of food stored in my basement?

Interviewer: I… Why do you have thirty years worth of food stored in your basement?

FNVN3: Because of that new healthcare plan. It’s going to take it all from us. I plan on going rogue, me and Sarah Palin, we’re going to live off this stash for years to come.

Interviewer: So you’re close with Sarah Palin?

FNVN3: Well… no, but she’ll find me when the time comes. She’s got sense like that. A mind like a hungry badger.

Interviewer: Have you seen any news about what’s going on in the Middle East?

FNVN3: Of course I have! Can’t live without my Fox News. They tell me that women are driving cars over there. Do you believe that? That’s crazy. Women would make terrible drivers. Can you imagine them on the roads here?

Interviewer: Sir… women have been allowed to drive for quite some time now…

FNVN3: Oh, there you go with your lamestream media misinformation again. I’ve never seen a woman driving a car. I bet the only woman who can drive a car is Sarah Palin. She’s got a mind like a fox dropping acid with Chuck Norris, lemmetellya. Brilliant. Will you tell her I’ve got food for when the end of days come, if you see her? Just mention it in conversation, smooth-like.

Admittedly, after looking in to the article and actually reading it, this isn’t what happens. I mean, sure, they do probably do have some out-there ideas (like thinking the TARP programs were opposed by Republicans or thinking that most scientists think climate change isn’t happening, deep in their tiny scientist-brains), but really, I’m sure Fox News just presents the most accurate possible information they have…

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Fox News’ False Statements
www.thedailyshow.com
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:390183
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

And because ‘rumpus’ is an awesome word

Even though Valentine’s Day is over, it can live on in our hearts. For instance, take this sage wisdom from The Oatmeal: less complaining, more sexy rumpus.

Good advice for every-day use.

Top 10 Most Awkward First Dates

In the interest of Valentine’s Day, I am going to share the most awkward first dates I’ve had. And also in the interest of truthiness, I will say that these were first dates… only, and I’ve done my best to keep it G-rated. And yes, they are all, fortunately and unfortunately, true.

#10: Cowboy Class: *sees the cowboy hat, cowboy boots, dinner-belt-sized belt buckle with the likeness of the Confederate Flag stamped on it walking over, everyone in the uptown cafe staring* “Hey, are you Mel?” “Yes?” “Well hells bells woman, I’m your date!” (internally – “Did he just say… hells bells?“)

#9: The Billiards Player: “I play pool for a living,” he said. “Wanna watch?” “Sure.” He whipped out a pool cue, screwed it together. Looked professional. Then, as he leaned down to take the first break, he went “HA!” in a… forceful voice, while kicking his leg back. Okay, thought I, it might just be a break thing. It wasn’t. Every shot was accompanied by a “HA!” or a “HO!”, and the leg-kick that threatened to take out pedestrians and nearby bar stools. Then in a moment of frenzied excitement, he brought his cue up sharply and smashed the light over the table to pieces. Cue his ensuing argument with the bartender that the table was “interfering with play”.

#8: Damn Catholics: Him: “C’mon, come in and say hello to my Mom.” Me: “Well… okay.” *walks into the house, sees crone-like Mother coming towards towards the front of the house* Mother: “You’re not Catholic, are you? I can smell a Catholic from twenty feet away!”

#7: The Count: “You’re the count of what? Comino? The visiting dignitary gave you the Countship because you saved his life? Oh, and you’re a fireman and a local politician as well? And you want me as your slave-girl in your ‘harem’? Uhm….. I’ll call you.” (author’s note: sitting in a crowded cafe trying not to split into peals of slightly hysterical laughter after hearing all this is insanely difficult, and will result in stiff face muscles for days to come)

#6: The World’s Most Awesome Magician: Me: *recieves explanation about how the guy can control the weather and make lightning appear in his hands but by doing so conjured up a demon that haunts him* “Uh huh.

#5: The Other Most Awesome Magician: Me: *receives explanation from completely unrelated guy about how he *seriously* controls the weather, can make lightning appear in a clear blue sky, how he is one of the greatest sorcerers the world has ever known and the evil sorcerer is trying to get him but he locked him away into a prison and the only requirement to keep the awful evil sorcerer from escaping into the world is to stay chaste and never lay his hands on a woman which is why he hasn’t dated in five years and OMG he has just violated that with me so now the evil awful sorcerer is going to try to kill him because he held my hand* “Uhm… sorry about that, then.”

#4: Anne Rice Devotee: Him: “I’m a vampire. Doesn’t it make you nervous to go on a date with a vampire?” Me: “Yes, yes it does.” He proceeded to stare at my neck all night and then by way of a “goodbye”, bit my hand instead of kissing it. I went to the doctor the next day for a tetanus shot, just to be sure.

#3: Abducted: Him: “I was kidnapped by aliens, I think. But I can’t remember. Will you record me if I start making weird noises and look like I’m spacing out? Here’s a tape recorder.” Me: “Check, please!”

#2: Severe arachnophobia: I invited him over to my apartment before we went out to meet friends. When he went in the bathroom, a spider was sitting next to the toilet. I heard his extremely loud and high-pitched scream, followed by the ripping sound of my shower curtain as he climbed into my bathtub, then slipped, grabbing the curtain as he went, screaming the whole way. The problem? It was a plastic spider-ring.

#1: The Scotsman: Him: *complicated explanation about how he proudly inherited his Scottish Sean-Connery-ish accent from his Scottish grandfather once-removed because he stayed with them a couple of times in the summer of 1993* Meanwhile, I spy a huge collection of Sean Connery’s work in closet, autographed Sean Connery photo, large “James Bond” framed poster, Sean Connery action figure with pump-fist motion. “Ah. It all makes sense now.”

Corn isn’t food for dogs

Back in 2007, I was feeding my dog Purina Dog Chow. Being a fairly average consumer and half-broke to begin with, I didn’t research much into what I was giving my dog. I figured Purina was good enough for lots of dogs, and it would be fine for mine – especially considering she often received plenty of table-scraps and other supplemental ‘human-foods’.

(Picture of the silly dog)

One night, she had a seizure. And then another. And another. I rushed her to the emergency vet only to find out that she was dehydrated and her bilirubin count was through the roof. Her kidneys had low function. I was able to take her home that day, but for the next year, it was a constant touch-and-go with her symptoms. I became a sometimes thrice-monthly face at the vet’s office (and a huge thank-you to Powhatan Animal Hospital, who not only would get us in for very-last-minute appointments, but also helped keep her comfortable in her last year). Sometimes, treatment would help, sometimes it wouldn’t. A year and some later, the vets helped me make a difficult decision as my dog was wasting away, and she passed away on April 2nd, 2009.

I have no idea what exactly happened to her. She was a purebred chow, and chows have a tendency to develop renal failure. However, it was three days after I had opened up a new bag of Purina Dog Chow that she got sick, and shortly thereafter, another major recall of Purina was announced. I don’t know that it was Purina that caused her illness, or if it was hereditary, or if it was environmental. Certainly her health problems were compounded by other issues later on.

It shocked me that a dog – even of slightly-advanced age, she was 10 at the time – that had a previous blood-test a few months prior that came back fine – would become sick so quickly. Without having any other true place to begin, I began to research what was actually in dog food.

To my surprise? Hooves and intestines of slaughtered animals, grains considered unfit for human consumption, rice byproducts, sugar beet byproducts, organs of slaughtered animals that appear diseased … among other things, all appear in dog food. There are also the numerous reports of animal cruelty associated with “testing” new products at major pet food manufacturers. The more I read about it, the more disgusted I became.

I adopted a dog about six months after my chow had become sick and started feeding both a different diet. I switched around to various brands, read more about pet nutrition (more complex than I originally thought), coped with the new dog’s tendency to vomit up everything he ate. For him, we finally settled on Bil Jac, and then later after the Bil Jac was causing him to gain weight, Blue Wilderness.

After I adopted Bean, about a year after Rollo had passed away, I began making them a home-made diet adapted from Dr. Pitcairn’s Guide to Natural Health for Cats and Dogs, eventually settling on a mix of high-quality dog food and supplemental human-grade food, which they get now.

Choosing your dog’s food isn’t easy if you put thought into their nutrition, nor is it inexpensive. Let’s be honest – good quality dog food is expensive, especially if you have a large breed, and can be labor intensive if you choose to supplement human-grade food or make your own food. But the payoff is enormous – both in decreased vet bills and increased vitality for the dog. I remember tallying up the vet bills after Rollo’s death, and coming up with a $5k figure – a huge amount to someone with my salary. I don’t regret a penny of it, but did wish I had been more conscious of her nutrition before she got sick.

But too, let’s face the facts about commercial dog food: it’s mostly made of corn. Think about what happens after you eat corn – do you actually digest a lot of it? I’m thinking, if you’re an average human, probably no. Dogs are adapted from wolves, who primarily eat meat, and only in the last hundred years have we humans given our animal companions a diet consisting solely of commercial food, which is 90% corn. Is it any wonder our pets have sky-high incidences of cancer, renal failure, obesity and skin issues? Even humans have many health issues if they have a poor diet – just observe the diet of lower-class Americans, with an emphasis on cheap, pre-made food and a deemphasis on natural foods (which inevitably cost more to procure), and compare that to illness and obesity rates.

Such are the qualities of capitalism that a huge commercial pet-food manufacturer like Purina can make a profit by making a shoddy product for animals, but so to can consumers be more aware of what they buy for their pets. It’s not a difficult choice if you love your pet and have observed the health problems caused by commercial dog food.

I’m sorry that I’m sorry

I grew up in Minnesota. I’m sure you may have heard the saying “Minnesota Nice”. In general, it’s not a misnomer. Maybe it’s something about living on what seems to be an arctic tundra six months out of the year, or the organized community effort we put in to combating mosquitoes the other six months, but people are generally pretty nice. The movie “Fargo”, though people INSIDE the state may find it comically untrue, is not far off when you’re looking at it from the Outside.

For instance: as a child, everyone said “I’m sorry.” It was one of those Things, like snow. People would apologize for everything, and there was little that couldn’t be met with a litany of “I’m sorry”s.

– If you bump in to someone: “I’m so sorry!” Why we say that: bumping in to someone, regardless of age, gender or race, could have caused the possibility of them falling over and cursing at us. We’re very sorry that it’s a possibility.

– If you and a stranger do that weird dance on the sidewalk when someone is going the opposite way and you’re both trying to get out of each other’s way but keep going in the same direction as you are trying to do so: “I’m sorry!” Why we say that: we have inconvenienced someone by taking up their time doing awkward sidewalk dances! The horror!

– If you have to hand in a bunch of work to someone, regardless of the contents of their inbox: “Sorry about that.” Why we do that: I don’t know. Generally people like to be employed, and “sorry, here’s some more stuff for you to do” isn’t all that awful. BUT, it allows the receiver to say the not-as-common “That’s all right!” in a cheerful and productive tone.

– If you stand too close to someone in the supermarket: “Excuse me, I’m sorry.” Why we say that: There is a multitude of reasons. First, the sayer is impinging on the social space of the other person. What if they are made uncomfortable? What if we actually BREATHED UPON THEM? Maybe they’re allergic to dogs or exceedingly frightened by people looming suddenly upon them and could have a heart attack at any possible second-

Sorry was employed in every possible social engagement: Sorry I wobbled a bit there, I didn’t mean to cause you a moment’s worth of worry that I may actually fall over and crush you beneath me. Sorry, this parking space just jumped out at me and now you can’t park here, really, I’m sorry about that. Sorry about drinking too much and asking for my keys! I’m REALLY sorry you’re angry, even though I don’t know why! Oh god, you’re crying, I’m sorry!! Your husband left you and I’m SO SORRY even though it’s obvious he met a special someone down at the Nineties and has probably been fooling himself all these years! Gosh, I am REALLY SORRY I got in the way of your fist, I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to actually PUNCH me, I am habitually clumsy, as you may know.

Can you imagine the confusion that happens when people raised with an infinite amount of apology actually get unleashed upon the rest of the country? I remember my first job in Virginia, when I thought I was standing too close to my boss when we were talking out in the parking lot.

“Sorry,” I said, moving back a step, even though HE had actually come in to MY bubble.

“For what?” he asked, stepping forward, back INTO my bubble.

“Um. Standing too close?” I edged back a nervous step.

“Oh, that’s okay,” he said with a chuckle, “You have to get used to us Southerners,” he stepped a very LARGE step forward.

In Minnesota, this is practically assault. I had to steel myself and remind myself that though he was within THREE FEET, this was PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE in other parts of the country where maybe they didn’t grow up with as much flat, empty space as I did.

Indeed, now that I’ve had several years to observe people in this general area, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you DON’T stand uncomfortably close, people view you with suspicion. As such, you can spot other Minnesotans a mile away because they’ll be the only ones holding a conversation with ten feet between them.

“I’m sorry” is also cause for suspicion. I’ve had people interrogate me for the reflex.

“Why are you saying I’m sorry?”

“Um.” This is always a terrible question to ask someone from that region. It’s such a reflex that often we’re not entirely certain. The only thing we’re certain of is that IF there exists even a REMOTE POSSIBILITY we have caused you a MILLISECOND of some emotion that is not exploding with happiness and baby unicorns, we’re sorry about it. “Because… um.”

Naturally, Other People will then view us with suspicion. “No, really, why are you saying sorry?”

“I don’t… um… Sorry, about the sorry… I…”

“WHY are you sorry?”

“Because … um.”

“THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER!”

“I’M SORRY!” [insert wailing here]

Obviously, the conclusion would be to stop saying “I’m sorry” to every offense, actual and possible, but it’s not so easy. It’s ingrained from childhood, just like the desire to don goofy rabbit-fur hats at the first frost or the primal urge to acquire anti-mosquito spray when the temperature goes above 40 degrees Fahrenheit for more than two days in a row or the rush out the door when the snow quits falling to quickly shovel your sidewalk and then shovel your neighbors before he’s noticed it’s stopped snowing. It’s just how I am, I can’t seem to change it no matter what I do because I feel the urge to apologize for being so rude.

I’m sorry!

You should never look monsters in the eye

By now, probably almost everyone’s heard of Tucker Carlson’s comment that Michael Vick should be executed for murdering dogs. I have to say, this is probably the first time ever that I’ve partially agreed with Tucker. Ok, no, I don’t really think that Michael Vick should be executed – I think he should have been sentenced to life in prison, no parole. Solitary confinement if he could be so ordered.

I’ve gotten mad about this in the past (as I had about the local Mack Hudson case) and people have been quick to jump to Vick’s defense. I’ve heard it all – he has great talent, I’m being racist, I don’t understand how he grew up, I am ‘privileged’ and therefore my opinion is compromised, I’m obviously not an Eagles fan. However, I’d like to point out that it has nothing to do with Michael Vick’s race – I’d be as similarly inclined to such a punishment if Vick was female and white. I don’t think ‘talent’ defines a person’s humanity, and I do not care how he grew up – humanity and compassion aren’t exclusive to people who live in better areas or have more money. The point remains incontestible: Michael Vick routinely murdered dogs for his own enjoyment.

This isn’t hunting, where a fast and clean kill is generally appreciated by most huntsmen. It’s not a commercial abattoir where stock animals are killed for consumption and (generally) killed humanely. He personally killed dogs, apparently for his own enjoyment. He hung them from their necks until they suffocated. He drowned them. It’s difficult to account for all the atrocities committed – from the ‘rape stand’ to the fighting pit to the accounts of slamming a dog’s head into the ground until it died. For that degree of callousness and disregard of life, for being able to repeatedly torture animals without one twitch of remorse, Michael Vick proved he has no humanity.

Here’s a good example of the abuse he inflicted.

“As that dog lay on the ground, fighting for air, Quanis Phillips grabbed its front legs and Michael Vick grabbed its back legs. They swung the dog over their head like a jump rope then slammed it to the ground. The first impact didn’t kill it. So, Phillips and Vick slammed it again. The two men kept at it, alternating back and forth, pounding the creature against the ground until, at last, the little red dog was dead.”

I can’t even read half of that article without twitching.

Such a complete lack of compassion, as displayed by Michael Vick, doesn’t deserve to be applauded, even if Vick has ‘talent’. Such cruelty doesn’t deserve a “second chance”, no matter what President Obama thinks. There is no excuse for doing this – not your ‘background’ or racial makeup or your pants size or your income. To call it inhuman is to assign a word that cannot possibly convey the utter lack of humanity that Vick has.

On the heels of this, of course, is Michael Vick’s plaintive “but I want a dog again”. I ask you – do you let a convicted pedophile around children again? Probably not. Is it a good idea to allow a convicted drug addict to work at a pharmacy? Again, probably not. So why would anyone think that it would be a good idea for a convicted dog torturer to be allowed a dog?

Quite frankly, I don’t think Vick deserves anything. Sure, he’s a good football player – but devoid of that, what is he? Just another monster.

Army of Lovers – Crucified

If I had a billion dollars, this is what would happen when I wake up in the morning: tiny pianos, Italian women, spontaneous bathtubs, dancing and singing. The only change would be substantially less patent leather codpieces. Yes.

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