A Likely Lass

probably nothing of consequence

The Passion (Bad Romance Novel Review)

Hunnert Words ‘r so: Mourning the death of her late betroth, desperate to escape an unwanted marriage to a tyrannical duke, Lady Aurora Demming does the unthinkable. By marrying Nicholas Sabine, a dangerously handsome and seductive American, accused of piracy and awaiting execution on the gallows. For this scandalous marriage, Nicholas vows to be her husband for only one day, and spend one night of blazing passion in his arms before his hanging. In exchange, Aurora escapes her impending marriage and gains the independence she has always desired with widowhood. But neither of them expected that their one night of hot passion would change their lives forever.
Pages: 367
Author: Nicole Jordan AKA Anne Bushyhead
Year Published: 2000

Summary:
Aurora Demming: *weep weep* Oh, my poor Geoffrey, Earl of March, lost at sea and presumed dead! Now I have to marry Lord Toad! *weep weep*
Nicholas Sabine: *being beaten by thugs* YARRRRR LEAVE OFF YEH HOSERS! YARRR!
Aurora Demming: *runs up* Stop it, you bad men! Stop it!
Hosers/Bad Men: *stop beating, look around*
Nicholas: YARR I’m a PIRATE. Yarr. Will you marry me, beautiful lady woman, because yeh saved me?
Aurora: *adjusts skirt* Sure.
They GET MARRIED THE NEXT DAY AND SPEND THE EVENING CONSUMMATING THE MARRIAGE. Because NICHOLAS says so, and LORD TOAD will not want “seconds”. The next day, NICHOLAS is hung to pay for his piracy, and AURORA goes back to England.

Aurora: Oh my husband! My dear husband who was a filthy pirate but touched me so nicely! Woe! *weep weep*

FOUR MONTHS LATER:

Aurora: Oh my husband! My dear husband who was a filthy pirate but left me lots of money and touched me so nicely! WOE! *weep weep*
Ton of England: *mixed sympathy, confusion, and unexplained monkies*
Nicholas: *dyes hair black* Yarrr, no one will recognize me now!
Nicholas: *sneaks up to Aurora and tweaks her bum* YAR! I’m alive!
Aurora: EEE! Get out of my sight, you filthy, filthy pirate! *hits Nicholas with shoe*
Nicholas: YAR YE WITCH! *runs away*
Aurora: *weep weep*
AURORA goes home and gets ready for bed, because it’s really been a very trying day (your pirate husband showing up when you thought he was dead can do that to a gal). NICHOLAS pops in through the window.
Nicholas: I’m home, baby!
Aurora: Nooooooo! Get out! Someone could see you!
Nicholas: No.
Aurora: *beats him with a slipper*
Nicholas: *runs away*

NICHOLAS accosts AURORA over the next five scenes, in various places- the park, a party, on the street- while maintaining his disguise as his COUSIN. AURORA finally gives in to NICHOLAS, they are getting hot and heavy in the sitting room when GEOFFREY, EARL OF MARCH arrives.

Geoffrey: EEEEEEE! *breathes* I’ll come back at a better time. *leaves*
Aurora: OH NO! My dead fiance! *weep*
Nicholas: There there. *arranges himself in his pants again*

Ton of England: *confusion, drinking, more monkies*

NICHOLAS woos AURORA over the next eighteen scenes. AURORA eventually gives in to her animalistic nature, rips off her clothes, and magically doesn’t concieve a child.

Aurora (to Nicholas): I’ve made up my mind. Either make me fall in love with you in two weeks or I’m going to marry the Earl of March!
Nicholas: Oh. *accosts her in her bedroom*
Aurora: *beats Nicholas with a book*

NICHOLAS continues to woo AURORA for the next eighty million years. EARL OF MARCH shows up with only two limbs, an INEXPLICABLE STREET URCHIN is kidnapped, AURORA goes to see the EARL OF MARCH.

Geoffrey/Earl of March: Aurora, I found a French trollop and I love her. I don’t ever want to see you again.
Aurora: Ok. *leaves*
Nicholas: *accosts Aurora outside the door*
Aurora: *beats Nicholas with a fan*
Nicholas: *runs away*

Ton of England: *massive confusion, stampeding elephants, random strangers with knives* *passes out*

CAPTAIN G enters, knows NICHOLAS is alive.

Captain G (to Aurora): Give me Nicholas!
Aurora: I can’t! He’s dead!
Captain G: LIAR!
Aurora: OMG WTF.
Captain G: Don’t give me that tone, or I’ll-
Aurora: *beats Captain G with a brandy bottle until he is unconscious*
Nicholas: *pops out* Nice job, YARRR!
Aurora AND Nicholas: *sail to the Caribbean*
Nicholas: *accosts Aurora on a beach*
Aurora: *beats him with a coconut*

By the Numbers:
References to “stolen/misplaced/otherwise lost” virginity: 2
Plot “Twists”: 4, not including unexplained monkies and inexplicable urchin boy
Number of Men Lusting After Heroine: 4
Number of Men Lusting After Heroine that Heroine Loves: 2
Number of Mary-Sue Incidents: 1
Number of Fights Over Heroine: 3
Times “Fate” Intervened: 3
Times “Fate” Intervened by about 500 miles: 3/3

Overall Grade: C+, for decent pace (until the middle where it DRAAAAAGGGGSSS ONNN FORREVERRRRR), Pirates, unexplained monkies. Marks taken off for excessive beating, inexplicable urchin boy, and horndog hero.

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