A Likely Lass

probably nothing of consequence

Rightfully Mine (Bad Romance Novel Reviews)

Title: Rightfully Mine
Author: Doris Mortman
Pages: 626
Year Published: 1989

Summary: Amazon has a good summary.

GABRIELLE COCROFT is a hard-working housewife, mother of one, living in Cleveland, Ohio. She has a passing interest in antiques and her son and that’s about it. Until the day when her EVIL RICH HUSBAND decides to leave her…

Evil Rich Husband: You interest me no more, Wife! I want a divorce, because I’m madly in love with my blonde, pretty, super-star girlfriend whom I met while snorkeling alone in the Carribean while you thought I was conducting business! Mwahahaha!
Gabby: *goes crazy, gets in the car, drives to NYC*
Son: OMGWTFBBQ!!!?!?!?!? *throws tantrum*

GABY finds work as a salesclerk for some big-name RETAIL STORE. After a few months of her son throwing continual tantrums (“WHYYYYY AREN’T YOU HOME TO TAKE CARE OF MEEEE?!”), and living in a strange city, she decides to take an antiques class where Fate Intervenes and she meets a Handsome Rogue Frenchman named ARMAND.

Armand: Je ne sais pas, my little flower.
Gaby: *sighmelt*
Armand: Antiques are good for you. They capture the soul of ze time! Nevermind all ze Ikea crap, eighteenth century bureaus are where it’s at, biyotch!
Gaby: *shows off antiques knowledge about bureaus, surprising herself and anyone else who would read this book*
Armand: *perks up* Come work for MEEE at my antiques shop! We will drink ze wine and talk about BUREAUS!
Gaby: YAY!

GABBY begins working for ARMAND as his service clerk, and eventually ARMAND cooks up a scheme that involves an antiques fair. Several long scenes later, it turns out his plan has been FOILED by the EVIL VINCENT PRADO!

Vincent Prado: Mwahahaha! Armand, you are nothing more than dust beneath my impeccable pink leather kidskin heels!
Armand: You rogue! You gay metropolitan man of ze impeccable taste! HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH ZE NAME OF THE LAFITTES!
Vincent Prado: Speak to the Armani, Armand, the moustache does not want to hear it! *flounces away*

GABY begins using another large antiques dealer to sell ARMAND’s now-worthless merchandise (because obviously everyone would quit buying at a good antiques dealer because VINCENT PRADO told them to). She lies about herself and what she’s doing, and in so, gets offered another job at CASTLETON’s to be a yet-better-paid antiques dealer. She becomes close to the VP (GARRET CASTLETON) of Castleton’s, who of course likes her very much, the impeccable Frenchwoman who knows much about bureaus.

Reader: *snore*

Several hundred pages later, amid the bureaus and the folk art and the flamboyant gay men, we meet one mysterious Belgian man named MAX RICHARDS, who only appears briefly in all his close-mouthed glory. The head of the large antiques dealer (CASTLETON’S) falls madly in love with GABY and wants to make sweet, sweet love to her in the Rocky Mountains. Everything goes well until GABY’s son comes to visit unexpectedly.

Garret Castleton: I love you, Gabrielle!
Gabby: YAY.
Son: OMGWTFBBQ!?!?!?!? *throws tantrum*

However, GABY isn’t to be tied down. Though GARRET is handsome, charming, and insanely rich, she doesn’t “love” him, therefore, when he proposes, she says no, and sorry. He then kicks her out of CASTLETON’S for lying on her resume and she mopes about for about fifteen pages.

Gaby: OH WOE! WOE WOE IS ME A POOR WOMAN IN A WORKING MANS WORLD!
Chelsea Reynolds: *appears*
Gaby: Shit.
Chelsea Reynolds: I UNMASK YOU, GABRIELLE COCROFT!
Gaby: *cries and flails and tells her life-story*
Chelsea Reynolds: Ok, peaches, I’ll find you a job, because I love you and we were pals at college and now that I’m filthy, filthy rich and have a billion million dollars, I can make you a happy woman. That, and my tongue. *makes tongue motions*
Gaby: Ok.

CHELSEA holds a party for GABY and makes her into an antiques broker. GABY goes and travels around the world and brokers antiques for people and-

Son: OMGWTFBBQ!?!??! *throws tantrum*
Chelsea: *tongue motions*

her son begins to hate and resent her. EVIL RICH HUSBAND tries to come back in GABY’s life but she tells him to go somewhere hot and fiery. He threatens her with UNMASKING, and she threatens to cut off his manhood. Then Max Richards comes in and they find a tapestry together and she falls in love with MAX and tells him the truth about herself and he’s mad and doesn’t talk to her for a few months until he shows up at her door:

Max:BONJOUR GABY MARRY ME PLZKTHNX
Gaby: YES! YES I SNAGGED ME A RICH ONE! I MEAN! YES!

And they live happily ever after in the Swiss Alps with Max’s 10923847542 children, and ARMAND is restored to fame, VINCENT PRADO is caught and sent to prison because he was smuggling diamonds, and GARRET CASTLETON decides to be friend-like to GABY once he talks to MAX RICHARDS who threatens him with the BRASS KNUCKLES. CHELSEA REYNOLDS goes through Alcoholics Anonymous and everything is tied up nice and neatly, of course, with pain and prison for the evil, and happy rich men for the non-evil.

Reviewer’s Notes: Gaby, despite being this “savvy, strong business woman in the 80’s” just kind of follows people around aimlessly and does what they tell her. She has little personality, and could probably be replaced with a loofah.

By the Numbers:
“Love” Scenes:
3
References to stolen/misplaced/otherwise lost virginity: 0 (cain’t have virginity if there’s babeees involved!)
Plot “Twists”: 28.5
Number of Men Lusting After the Heroine: 3
Number of Mary Sue Incidents: 3 minor
Number of Fights/All Out Wars over the Heroine: 4
Times “Fate” Intervened: 18 billion
Times “Fate” Intervened by 500 or more miles: 2/18 billion
References to “bureaus”: 368

Overall Grade: C+. I know more about bureaus now, but I was also incredibly, incredibly bored. Gaby is a forgettable character who flails about a lot and cries some more. If it involved more handsome men and less whinging, it may have been a good book.

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