On using the scanner
Dear Various Departments At Work,
I realize that with the advent of the new and exciting scanner technology, everyone is eager to scan and email their papers instead of waiting a few hours for documents to travel to their destination by courier. While I encourage you to continue to embrace this technological improvement, there are a few suggestions I would like to make.
Please make sure that none of the following takes the place of important documents:
A scan of:
your grocery list
the bottom of your sandwich
a receipt for your spa-afternoon on work hours
the contents of your purse spilled on the scanner
a yogurt cup
any body protubrences in the area of the chest
a ruler (quite unhelpful when not to size)
a photo of Kat Von Dee with the caption “BUTTERFACE”
your babysitter’s notes on the bowel movements of your child
your cousin’s letter to you
the contents of your sandwich after you have accidentally tried to photocopy it
While the receipt of above-said scans is titillating, they are unhelpful for the processing of your request to the accounting department and all pertinent documents should be e-mailed in a file free from these interesting works of art.
It is also recommended that you do the following, before emailing a time-sensitive document to the accounting department for expedited processing:
Make sure all the papers are right-side-up when scanning, so as to actually scan the text-side of the document instead of the blank side.
Thank you for your compliance with this request,
The far-left office of the accounting department