Everyone knows that if you watch Fox News, you’re crazy and probably are predicting the end of the world to happen in about fifteen minutes, so it never surprises me to see news like this (for the clickphobic, a study found that Fox News viewers know less about news than people who don’t even watch the news).
Let’s digest that for a moment. That’s some serious stuff.
So just reading the headline and the first paragraph and drawing my conclusions from that, this is what happened:
Interviewer (to a normal person who doesn’t watch any news): So, do you watch any news?
Normal person who doesn’t watch any news No. 1 (NPWDWANN1): No, I like, really am in to Guitar Hero right now? So like, I do that?
Interviewer: Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?
NPWDWAN: Um… isn’t that a sauce that goes in Japanese food?
Interviewer (to a Fox News viewer): So, do you watch any news?
Fox News Viewer No. 1 (FNVN1): Of course I do. I watch at least ten hours a day, on the Fox Channel. If I watch less than nine hours, I get a little palsy, you know, trembly.
Interviewer: That’s a lot of news.
FNVN1: And I already know we’re all going to hell and Obama is going to rise to shroud the earth with his batskin cape. Because he has one. Why do you think they reopened Area 51? TO HIDE IT. Glenn Beck told me that. Good man, is Glenn Beck.
Interviewer: Ok…. (making notes) Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?
FNVN1: Obama’s Chief of Staff. Evil bugger.
Interviewer: Well…. no. Do you know what happened in Egypt this past spring?
FNVN1: Didn’t they discover Moses’s ark? I heard they may have found it. The lamestream media, you see, is keeping it quiet. They don’t want us to know about any ark. If ‘we’ had it, we might melt the skin from their bones, right, like in that movie.
Interviewer: So you weren’t aware of any uprising, or perhaps a revolution, occuring?
FNVN1: SHIT CHRIST. Did I miss it? Have they started already? Goddamnit son, get out of my way, I need to get my guns!
Interviewer (to Normal Interview Subject No. 2): Do you ever surf the internet for news?
Normal Interview Subject No. 2: I’m afraid of news.
Interviewer: Er… ok. Do you know who Hosni Mubarak is?
NISN2: No, and I don’t want to know. It sounds scary.
Interviewer: Well, he is-
NISN2: NO! LALALALALALALALA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALA!
NISN2: NO NEWS FOR ME! LALALA! LAAAAAH! MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB…
Fox News Viewer No 2: I got this hat at the grocery store, isn’t it lovely? I love all these little jewels set around the edge, you see those? I know they’re probably fake but I pretend they’re real. My sisters are SO jealous.
Interviewer: Ma’am… that’s a fruitcake.
FNVN2: My sisters said that too!
Interviewer: Moving on… have you heard about any uprising or revolt in the Middle East?
FNVN2: You mean like Australia? You know, I always did think they were a heathen country, all those big rocks with those handprints on them, Anne Coulter says they’re just a backwards people, maybe it comes from being on the other side of the world, and then those weird bwongo sounds you hear in the commercials-
Interviewer: No, I mean the Middle-
FNVN2: BWWWWWWWWWONGWONGOOOOOOOO! Sounds like that, right? BWWWONGOWONGOWONGOOOOOO-
Interviewer (to non-news watching person): Do you ever watch your television?
Normal person who doesn’t watch any news: I watch Wheel of Fortune. Every night.
Interviewer: Do you ever watch any news?
Interviewer: Not even when they have the special report come on in the middle of a broadcast?
NPWDWAN: Are you kidding me? That’s just Pat having his little fun with the audience. We all KNOW we don’t have anything like national crisiseses any more. Have we merged with China yet?
NPWDWAN: I figure it’s inevitable we create a glorious future with our technological rival and eventually start a space program that will launch humans into other solar systems and create a central government that will outwardly protect us while preying on those with special talents and persecuting anyone that steals from good people, thus creating the need for space bandits that will roam the new solar system and eventually bring the downfall of the now-cruel-and-evil Empire?
Interviewer: Isn’t that the plot to Firefly?
Interviewer: Sir, do to know who Hosni Mubarak is?
Fox News Viewer No. 3: Fruit cup.
FNVN3: Fruit cup. I like them with grapes.
Interviewer: Are you saying he IS a fruit cup or-
Interviewer: Hosni Mubarak.
FNVN3: Probably. Probably he is. Do you know I have thirty years’ worth of food stored in my basement?
Interviewer: I… Why do you have thirty years worth of food stored in your basement?
FNVN3: Because of that new healthcare plan. It’s going to take it all from us. I plan on going rogue, me and Sarah Palin, we’re going to live off this stash for years to come.
Interviewer: So you’re close with Sarah Palin?
FNVN3: Well… no, but she’ll find me when the time comes. She’s got sense like that. A mind like a hungry badger.
Interviewer: Have you seen any news about what’s going on in the Middle East?
FNVN3: Of course I have! Can’t live without my Fox News. They tell me that women are driving cars over there. Do you believe that? That’s crazy. Women would make terrible drivers. Can you imagine them on the roads here?
Interviewer: Sir… women have been allowed to drive for quite some time now…
FNVN3: Oh, there you go with your lamestream media misinformation again. I’ve never seen a woman driving a car. I bet the only woman who can drive a car is Sarah Palin. She’s got a mind like a fox dropping acid with Chuck Norris, lemmetellya. Brilliant. Will you tell her I’ve got food for when the end of days come, if you see her? Just mention it in conversation, smooth-like.
Admittedly, after looking in to the article and actually reading it, this isn’t what happens. I mean, sure, they do probably do have some out-there ideas (like thinking the TARP programs were opposed by Republicans or thinking that most scientists think climate change isn’t happening, deep in their tiny scientist-brains), but really, I’m sure Fox News just presents the most accurate possible information they have…